A Broken Women I. Broke

How do I go about fixing the mess I continue to make, I keep you happy for short durations, then comes another mistake, I run and lie because I’m tired of making you cry,that only the sistuation more, I try to hide and stay quiet,but I feel your inner reaction to riot, call out false shit i say, hateful words in play, always running never want to stay, emotions thru the roof, either I’m shouting or slamming doors,watching you hit the floor breaking down again,the pain I continue to gain,making the women I love feel worthless and shame,im untruthful and always have a mouth full of words and yet mumble, heavy negativity feels the air,she’s screaming in fear and pain, asking God why, why does the one I love push and hurt me the way he do, why Lord, why does he not love me,why I feel used and abused, he’s taking my heart and cheated,lie, hit and destroyed everything I thought we built, why is he this way Lord why, she begins to pray to take whatever I’m going thru,so she can love the man I am inside, I can’t even live her fully without letting the past pain I’ve caused go, I feel as if I’m killing her and she had no were to go, I’m killing the women who gave me her son’s and daughter,im breaking her faith to hold on,I’ve pushed her off the edge to the end of a pebble ledge,help her I scream,help her i yell your wife’s going to die if you continue to lie, I rather me go than her,she is a strong women but her inner emotions are very brittle from all the heart ache in the air,you have broken this women to many times, have you polluted her soul and this household,wife and kids run off scared, because daddy is upset and anger fills the air,they take everything I do serious because I let my family down from all the rage I show them on stage, I want to break this shell away,tear it away to be the man,dad, and husband im suppose to be, I don’t want hate and violence for them just peace and happiness, House full of love and hope, bring the joy back and just love the wife I married for her. God I ask to help me please help me fix the woman you sent to me, help me step by step to correct the brokeness and emptiness I’ve bestowed on her, help me fill her heart with our love and pure love only, help me wipe away tears and finally dry her eyes my Lord….Amen…

The Devil’s Pet

Have you ever felt like your

the devil’s pet, just going

around causing havoc or

pain or even destruction,

do you see the pain you cost

people or the broken hearts,

you give to people, when

they get close you do damage

or you grow far apart from that

person, you give loneliness,

depression and cause the

seperation between you, your

love ones and even in God,

You try and run from it but

all you do is turn the anger on,

and make people wanna stay

away or leave you alone, which

gives me no hope,no strength

no belief and no love, im just

doing the devil’s work like his

damn pet or puppet so to say,

Im tired of being the dark to

everybodies light and truth

tired of being the knightmares

to there sweet dreams, the stick

in the mud, the spoiler of good

things, the jealous or pride

holdning guy i am and not

the man i wanna be, i am the

darkness, the shadow or a

floating death, get to close i may

burn you, hurt you or cause

Eternal pain to you for life,

so thats what it feels like im

doing the punk ass devil work

and he has me stuck on my

shame,guilt,pride and lies…

This pic describes whats inside…

Seeking A Light

Through her eyes everything I say are lies, through her window all I see in pain, through my words are daggers to the heart, every heart beat is just the cracling of the soul or painful memorys or the pain i am and have caused, every tear burns as it falls down your face, same place time and time before, so her tears are watery sore’s, never ending fight then like always i take flight, leaving broken bones and bloody tissue in the path, her love slowy turns to hate, wondering if Im her true soul mate, She hates the man I am or am I a man, seem like a little boy still playing with his worthless toys, you feel your about to break but she lays there crumbled turning into pure sand or dirt flying off in the wind, no longer can i grab or capture the grain to even start this loss over, to build some kind of fortresses of solitude, Something to prove that we will get through it all, instead of believing im just a liar with gasoline drawers, trying to be true and pure through his eyes and hands I ask for forgiveness and help through my father in heaven. My Lord.

Struggling

I struggle everday with my feelings and my emotions. I have anger issues that equals 4 football fields. I been getting real snippy lately. I have lost my job and I’m failing to keep the love strong in my marriage. I feel like i have caused so many problems for myself. That im just the devils pawn, for creating chaos and heat ache and also depression. Anywhere i go either people dont like me or trust me or trust what i have to say. I can be telling the truth and its just a lie to someone. All my responses are idk or shrugs my shoulder. My mind is always clouded with anger or hate building up over time. My pride refuses me to ask for outside help because i dont want people thinking there doing it for me. I know I can ask my Lord but I become discouraged in asking him for help because i stay in the same cycle im use to for years. I feel if I change myself then eveything I love or use to will change me completely. An Im a scared to turn into someone that everyone loves but not that I love. So im struggling with all this. Everything I love is falling apart. Everything I am is confused because am I Me or am I the image of who I think I am or want to be. I just want peace and clarity. I want to be normal. Not a dark cold person. Not a monster or worst. I dont wanna end up lonely for ever. With no family, no friends, no love and no me. Sorry if this makes no sense. Kinda my life in my mind it makes no sense.

Reason Y I Luv Her!!!!

To remember her from the first

Time i layed eyes on her, to the

First “Hey to Hello” back, the way

She walked and looked from the back

Sitting down getting to know the

Beauty and women on the inside

You are today, i know from loving you

But feeling a little love lost now of

Day’s, I truly respect you and your

Mind,your passion and your drive,

I dream to be great like the wife you

Are today, your goofy and silly in your

Own goofy weird way, Damn right

I love the food you cook when you

Throw down or stick your foot in it,

Your strong in every way, from having

And raising kids till i could come in,

And not only win your heart but,

Little one’s heart to make us the

Beautiful family we are, your sex

Appeal and the way you look,umm

From them lips to the deep passion

We make that loves to drip all over,

What I’m saying is your my soul

Mate, my ying to my yang, my burrito

To my meat and cheese (lol) , my kool

Aid to my sugar you know, I love you

Because your a fighter and won’t let

Shit break you down, I got your back

Remember I’m that Mountain that

Won’t Move…..

Battling The Inside

Its hard trying to keep your head up,

Battling these hard times

Trying to stay focus on your goal,

Or even to put food on the table for

Your family and kids.

Its hard trying to stay positive in a

Negative fucked up situation,

Everything starts to crumble and fall

People you love become discourage

Or lose hope and faith in you,

Trying to battle these feelings, these

Problems and everything that keeps

Either occurring or happening

These battles are becoming tougher

Either to strengthen my faith or

Test how much of a man I am to

Battle this fight because the war

Is far from over, I grow tired of these

Obstacles and games the devil likes

To play on my life, making me break

Down like a wimp, breaking my pride

To always believe I will always

Succeed and bring peace and

Happiness to my love ones,

These battles are killing me but I still

Stand and fight against all the odds

All the cards can be against me

But I know who I am and I AM NOT

THE MF YOU CAN BREAK……

Cant Run Away

It hides there in the shawdow

Behind walls and in between the

Smallest crack it can

It feeds off your anger an failures

It craves your sadness an

Hopelessness and it looms all

Around you and the room

I cant seem to shake it this

Strong heavy feeling weighing

On my chest and heart

Its breaking me down into crumbs

Water and tears rush down my

Face over the scars from my fucked

Up faith my battles are starting to

Become pointless same shit every day

So why fight it why run away when

No matter how far you go its right

There like a infection or disease

Help me oh Lord help me please

Vanish away this darkness and

Feelings inside of me….

Bad Man

Not loved and hated by most

Heart breaker I am called with

A cold soul and nothing there

Am i hollow or gone

Eyes stare at me and roll off

In the other directions

I make people cry or wanna run away

They run so far and stay away from

Me and what I have become

Am i murder? No but i feel the

Same way a murder would if the

Finger and eyes are on me

I hurt and then run away

I do the hurting and get mad when

Comfronted. I feel like a hot ball of

Fire hitting every one around me

I break hearts and trust, I push away

Till im completly alone. Im here all

Alone with no one home

I need help before I lose it all

Thats why im the Bad Guy….

Hmmm..

Rest

Test

Pest

Mess

Now I’m at my best!!!

Long Night

It’s late and I’m still up

Dark cold skies,cold snow outside

Heat in the house, so quiet you

Can hear a mouse, t.v.’s on but dying

From Bordem, can’t sleep with

Out tired eyes, sitting here day

Dreaming that i wish i could fly,

In the clouds and touch the sky,

I would probably die from being

Scared of the heights, dark sky

One big light, by myself through

Out the Night. Well Goodnight all

Sweet dreams….